This is what happened to me last week:

If you can’t solve it, it isn’t a problem – it’s reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face you’ll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that is the best way to look at it.

This is what I have come to terms with:

Reality of fear [clipped]:
You’re not afraid to let go; you’re just afraid of accepting the fact it’s gone.

To make the sting of your loss less like a loss, but an experience gained:

You have to get hurt. That’s how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. Because they’ve decided they’re not going to let anything hold them down, they’re showing the world who’s the boss.

To release him and I from guilt and fault:

There’s a story behind every person. There’s a reason why they’re the way they are. They aren’t just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and it’s not a matter of what can fix it, but who.

To help me forgive:

I guess the real fact of the matter is, we don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring and the only thing we really have is right now. So, don’t stay mad for too long. Learn to forgive. Love with all your heart. Stay up all night. Have fun. Live your life the way you want to live it. Don’t worry about people that don’t like you. Enjoy the ones who do.

To help me move on:

Sometimes you gotta stop and remember that your not gonna live forever. Be young, think smart, stay true and just follow your heart.

To help me hope:

First love, is not necessarily the first person you love.

My last farewell. I hope and wish the best for you.

-Quotes are not by me.

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My hearts broken. Twice.
Funny how we become in denial and blind to the truth.
Or maybe its my naivety and lack of experience that put me in confusion.
I think I may have finally broke down. A month and a half of harbored confusion and depression. It was bound to happen, I knew. The feelings of discontentment and a feeling that something didn’t feel right about the situation I put myself in. In the end, all I could ask myself was… Why did I even try? Amusingly I answer back to myself… I didn’t even realize I was trying. Now I am sitting here in the dark, lost and sad, and feeling hurt and used, and realizing all the blame I could blame, lies within me: To have fallen in love with a lost little lonely boy who did not know the meanings of love. My hatred and injustice wars with the compassion and understanding that I have come to develop as is the consequence of loving someone. I am at a loss as to what to feel. The only sense I could feel of my emptiness is the sadness of the loss of my love with a hint of darkness.

Today I had an awful epiphany that shattered my illusion into reality:

I didn’t want a serious relationship.

Simple but complex set of words my mind could not decipher for a month and a half. Or maybe it was my attempt at unconsciously defending my heart by being in refusal to accept of what it meant: No devotion and commitment. To be in a child’s relationship but not really in a mature relationship. It hurts. To be unconsciously played at.

Unsure of wanting to work things out. Unsure of wanting me in his life. Then proceeding to tell me how our relationship was too serious. Could the truth have been any clearer? Everything clicked into place, once I accepted that he never loved me.
He cared. I know he cared. It is only human to begin caring after a certain amount of time spent together. He cared. Cared enough to end it. But confused enough to hold onto me. Again, all the blame that I could blame, lies within me: For foolishly believing in his indecisive words of love. Trusting his childish feelings for me. Holding onto the last thread of hope. It was I, who started everything. I suppose it’s up to me to end my own heartache.

Love is not a child’s play. Nor is it a whim or an impulse.
Love is not something that should be easily said.
Otherwise, I assure you the feeling is only an infatuation.

And that it is all it was. A short lived infatuation. It breaks my heart. That it’s over.
…this song soothes me. I sadly understand all too well how people can hate love songs and hate seeing people in love. It is a reminder of your own loss and pain.

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When did we forget our dreams?

The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I’m sitting here refreshing my inbox. We lived trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation of the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us.

And no, I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: The solution doesn’t involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. It doesn’t involve tempering my life to better fit someone’s expectations. It doesn’t involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up.

Whose guilty of thinking “tomorrow will be a better day” but the day is nothing but the same day with (just a slight variation) as it was yesterday and we think “in a few years it will all be better” and envision something great for ourselves and the few years comes but nothing really changed? And then you feel stuck and depressed, asking yourself “What’s going on?”

There was a post I wrote couple years back expressing the same discontentment and disappointment. It’s the cliche combination of waiting and the lack of action. We all know better, but why do we lack such motivation to take the initiative? Hmm…oh it’s another cliche of the fear of the unknown. Which I can write another essay on for later.

If there is one thing I am scared of the most, is the unknown… and the dark.
What are you scared of?

Image Source: XKCD

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Now, going to a spa and getting waxed by an esthetician is comfortable, mess free, and very quick.
And they can get to places that you have a hard time getting at…
But it does get expensive. I’d rather spend my money on receiving skin Treatments!
And buying your own waxing kit is …even more expensive.

So. If your comfortable with the idea of waxing yourself, which by the way is no big brainer!, spend only about 16 dollars which will make you a month or more of supply of wax! And better yet, instead of using “pelons” and throw it away each time, you can use cotton strips and re-use them. This is called: Homemade Sugar Wax!

This is not my original idea by the way. This recipe has been out for ages! I just wanted to make an easy but detailed tutorial.

How to Make Sugar Wax

List of Items you need: 1. Sugar [Any sugar is fine] 2. Lemon Juice [Any lemon juice is fine] 3. Glass Jar [I used a glass canning jar]

4. Cooking Pot [Smaller the better] 5. Measuring Cups:     - 1 cup     - 1/4 cup

6. Candy Thermometer     - I ruined the first two batches I made, so I highly recommend buying a Thermometer that goes past 260 degrees. Candy Thermometers go past 300 degrees.

Making the sugar wax: Scoop two full cups of sugar and pour its contents into the cooking pot. I wanted my homemade wax to be organic made, meaning chemical free, so I purchased all organic products. You support our environment and organic farming in little ways by purchasing organic!

Pour 1/4th cup full of lemon juice into the cooking pot. Supposedly any lemon juice is okay. Even concentrate, those juice that comes in yellow lemon shaped containers. I chose an organically made pure lemon juice.

Pour 1/4th cup of water into the cooking pot. Mine is a little hazy because of the left over lemon juice. Swirl the water in the cup and you can get the tiny last drops of lemon juice.

Mine looked like this. You just pour all the contents into the cooking pot. No special order of contents or mixing required. My sugar looks brown because it is organic.

Put your cooking pot on the stove and turn the heat to medium. You don’t want to spike the temperature up. Take a whisk or a spoon and mix the ingredients. You can just mix periodically.

As the heat goes up, you can see the sugar liquefying. So your contents look more watery rather than kind of thick when you first mix the ingredient. Your contents will start to boil like this picture in approximately 7 minutes into cooking. Everyone’s stove works differently. So pay more attention to the thermometer.

About 8 minutes into cooking, your contents will bubble and foam up like in the picture. Use your thermometer. For me, after another 2 minutes into cooking, I found my temperature to be in 222 degrees. Take the pot of the stove and angle it, if you need more liquid space for the thermometer.

Don’t worry about the foaming, it will eventually go down. Try lowering your heat just a little. Stop stirring. Keep checking your thermometer. Stop until it reaches 250 degrees or so. ♥ For me, it took me a total of about 25 mintues to reach 250 degrees.

After your contents have reached 250 degrees or so, pour the hot sugar into the glass jar and leave it open until it cools so that you do not trap water. Careful not to touch the glass, it gets hot! I closed my jar when the outside was lukewarm to touch. If your glass jar opening is narrow like mine, it will develop tiny beads of water at the top inside edges. Just wipe of most of it. The lighting in this picture resulted in a light amber color, but in reality the color of the sugar is a strong dark amber. The contents will thicken as it cools.

And that’s it! I have waxed my legs and underarms and the wax works marvelously!

You can use the wax right away when it cools down to a comfortable temperature, or store it in room temperature or refrigerator for later use. Just re-heat to a comfortable temperature.

How is my very first tutorial?
Any comments or questions write below!

Tutorials on how to wax your legs will be coming up next!

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